how doctors get weird

Every couple of weeks, I lose a little bit of my everyday brain. I keep myself very occupied with splanchnoderm, endoderm, hemothoraxes, pneumothoraxes, desmosomes, hemidesmosomes, streptococcus, pneumococcus, and thousands of other minute details that we are required to know. (As a side note, 85% of our professors have insisted that we "don't sweat the minutiae!" more than once...yet the minutiae is almost explicitly what we are tested on.) Yet in the last month, I've forgotten to brush my teeth twice, zip up my pants once, routinely misplaced my keys/wallet/chapstick/mind, and apparently got one day ahead on my birth control pills...something I noticed yesterday, but it definitely happened at some point before this weekend. Probably. Whatever, at least I didn't forget to take it...I just remembered so well that I took it twice.

My point is, by the time we finish med school, we're going to be a complete mess. Sure, we'll be doctors in every right, but doctors who forget to brush their teeth and spend longer than they should looking for the phone that they're holding in their right hand. We're going to come out of this experience weirder than we were when we started, and be responsible for saving lives. Yikes.

Hidden peril

Some time ago, I resolved to not be like so many families who live off of take out and microwave-prepared foods. Not because we didn't do family dinners when I was growing up (which we didn't, but I couldn't have cared less. I was a teenager), but when I was learning how to be a grownup, it was so much fun to go grocery shopping and make delicious meals in My Apartment. Salmon, walnuts, cranberries, brie, asparagus, herbs...the fancy recipes were endless.

Then, when you serve your time in the restaurant business, you don't get evenings for lovely dinners anymore. No, your Saturday night dinner is the staff meal of restaurant leftovers, eaten standing up. If there ever was an evening that T and I both had off of work (a true rarity), it was certainly not wasted on a Papa Murphy's pizza, Lean Cuisine, or any other aberration. That was for people who didn't value their glorious evenings.

Enter test week.

I haven't had time to shop for groceries in a month, we've eaten out at a Mexican restaurant twice, Papa Murphy's once, and, dare I say it, bought, cooked (in the oven, not the microwave...I'm not a complete heathen), and ate a frozen lasagna from Costco. Oh yeah, we have a microwave now. It came with the house. And I've used it. A lot.

The hidden peril of medical school: you will compromise most of your standards of living.

Human

The idea of cadaver lab never intimidated me. I'd seen cadavers before, been tested on them, and studied them without any problem. Even here, I was the one that made the first cut on our cadaver, no big deal. But there are horror stories of medical students who were so conflicted with their role in dismantling a human body that they couldn't be in their own home with the lights off. These bodies were once people, and some med students can't justify what, in a way, seems like morbid desecration.

We start with what might be the least-human body part (if that makes any sense): the back. You don't look in the mirror and see your back every day, and it's really just a flat edge of a body that usually has clothes covering it. The back is full of muscles that are large, small. and somewhere in between. It's interesting, but not particularly human.

Meanwhile, the rest of the body is covered. The head, hands, and feet are wrapped in an extra layer of cloth and plastic to prevent them from drying out before we've had a chance to dissect them. Occasionally, I catch a glance of our cadaver's ear, and it's a little startling. The ear, so distinctly curved and shaped, and unmistakably human, is an odd reminder that I've just been skinning a human body. It's not uncomfortable, just a gentle reminder that this is my first patient, and she was brave enough to volunteer.

For every unit, we switch lab groups and we switch cadavers. Strangely enough, I felt a little sad not to go to my same dissection table, and continue to get to know "my cadaver." I knew her when she was an intact body, and saw her make the remarkable transition from dead person to skinned teacher of anatomy. However grotesque a bond that is, it's a bond all the same. Throughout the next unit, I even "checked in" with her periodically. It's a good idea to get to know other bodies anyway, but I was mostly curious about what the rest of her anatomy looked like.

This is probably one of the stranger relationships I've had.

So...I've got this pain...

It's pretty remarkable how much people think you know as a first year medical student. When I was getting my daily coffee from the drive-through espresso/tanning joint we lovingly refer to as "el cheap-o," I was greeted by the owner with an "oh, good!"

"My daughter has this pain that was in her back last night, and now it's in the front! What is that?!"

A little speechless that someone was actually asking my advice for an innocuous pain in her grown daughter, I stammered a little, so she took the opportunity to continue:

"Is that where the gallbladder is??" She asked urgently, jabbing at her hip.

Encouraged by getting a question that I could actually answer, I explained where the gallbladder actually was, and gave her the harmless suggestion of staying hydrated and going to the medi center if she was really concerned. 1st real-world patient, 1st referral.

I guess this means I'm well on my way to physician-hood. Even though I really don't know anything yet. It's all about confidence?

let's try this again.

One of my fond aspirations was to chronicle my life in medical school via blog. I believe my last entry was precisely the weekend after orientation, and today is in fact the half-way point of the semester: week 10. Honestly, it doesn't seem like that many weeks or even days have transpired. This is now Life as We Know It and it's so full of learning and experiencing that I'm afraid it's going to be over all too soon.

Sure, it's really hard, and some days I feel like crying, and some days I do cry a few tears of frustration/agony/stress/despair...but those are brief moments of haze in a world otherwise naked in clarity. I love medical school, I love learning, and I wouldn't trade it for a thousand hours of peaceful rest.

The hardest part is the occasional mental block I throw up for myself. I can get lost in anxiety as I stare up from the rock bottom at an insurmountable mountain of information that demands I learn it all, but taunts me that I never will. Occasionally the mountain lifts up and crushes me with every ounce of cruelty it has. Those are the dark hours that make time move interminably, but inexorably. Usually though, I can ignore the mountain, and trudge resolutely onward. I'm OK, I promise.

There is so very much to catch up on, but it will have to be done one blurb at a time. Histology is beckoning.

4 out of 5

Today is a hard day. I don't know if it's my stress, T's stress, or a deadly combination of the two, but we had the first fight we've had in a very long time. I don't even know that it was so much a fight as an impasse. Or just a loud vocalization of quiet feelings.

T's reaction to stress is negativity and abrasiveness. My reaction to that is pervasive and consistent optimism. Only I can't be happy for the both of us for very long, and he has been stressed for the past few weeks. Right on cue, my stress creeps in at the midnight hour, and my survival plan cannot include optimism for two. It's standing room only. Usually I can just shrug my shoulders and let him tizzy himself out, but it's different this time. Because this one statistic just keeps flashing across my mind: 4 out of 5 medical students get divorced while going through school. Now we are a little bit of a special case since we're both in school...but does that make it half as likely? Twice?

Things are about to get overwhelming fast, and if things are this hard in the first days of orientation, how is it going to be when we reach our first test block?

I'm more upset with anxiety than anything. It's fear of the unknown. Although that unknown has been fortified with dismal testimonials from students who have come before me.

Before

Today is my last day of being a relatively normal human. Tomorrow, I am an officially abnormal med student. Not that I think much is going to change between today and tomorrow, but it's the start of a definitive new chapter book of my life.

For instance, in what other realm of the world is it socially acceptable and even expected to cut up and dismantle a human body? Or to ask a perfect stranger how often they have sex and with whom and other sordidly private particulars? I'm on the threshold of a changing role. What's OK for me to do, ask, or say and what isn't, is about to change.

Really, I'm just excited to get started, get my books and my stethoscope. I'm not afraid of my changing role, I can't wait for it! But as I think about all the things I'm just barely beginning to step into, I suppose this day counts as a momentous occasion. It doesn't really feel momentous; just another day. But it's really the last day of me, before med school. My uncertainty will soon give way to more uncertainty, and maybe someday, secure confidence. Tomorrow is the first certain step toward that, where I will begin to look back at the naive before med school me of today...I wonder what's in store...

A toe in the water

Today, Travis and I went to the coffee shop to tackle that first medical school assignment together. We were both filled with a little dread, but we finished with such gusto and invigoration. This first foray into medical school boosted my confidence by a million. So much more fun than studying for the MCAT, and cool to learn things that I'm actually excited about. And studying with Travis is just as great as it's always been. We think about things a little bit differently, but our approach is similar enough that talking things out and understanding is a relatively smooth ride. It's easy to be silly about things together and lighten the mood, but retain enough focus to seal the deal. I think we're going to rock.

50 years

A week ago, the whole family got together to celebrate Grandma & Grandpa's 50th wedding anniversary. It was such a cool opportunity to sit back at look at everyone, and recognize that we have these two people to thank for it. 2010 is a good year. So much to celebrate and be thankful for...when times get rough, this will be the year that I think of. Happy 50th G&G.

Oh yeah...that.

The reality that I'm starting medical school in t-minus 56 days is beginning to sink in. In terms of days, it still seems pretty far away. However, the paperwork they keep sending me is getting more and more real. Get a physical and make sure your immunizations are up to date? Easy. Register for a criminal background check? Piece of cake.

But now? Now I'm being inundated with serious medical paraphernalia. An order form for scrubs, please choose your size. An order form for your white coat, please choose your size. A preparation guide for things you should be familiar with before starting medical school including a list of no less than 64 terms that must be concisely defined (acroparalysis, cheilosis, myelocele, salpingostomy, vasotripsy, etc) and even more concepts that should be thoroughly understood (anatomical orientations, planes, movements, and tissues, basic biochemistry, microbiology, and physiology).

This whole packet (6 pages of single spaced terms and concepts) is prefaced with the introduction:

"You have chosen a path that most others dare not venture down. This path is wrought with difficulty and sacrifice and huge rewards. Only your perseverance and sheer determination will see you through."

Yikes. What am I getting myself into?

Happiness is somewhere to call your own

Now that we have a house to rent that is PERFECT!, I am an extremely pleasant person to be around. I'm even excited to move from the wonderful 'burg. There are still things that I am going to be sad to lose (Safeway two blocks away, everything in walking distance, endless supplies of parks, trails, and ridges to walk or hike, a great community feel), but now I feel like I have so much to look forward to. The PERFECT! house is waiting to be nested and my mind is already reeling with the possibilities.

The best feature of this house is one that will improve my already lovely marriage a million and a half percent. Two. Bathrooms. TWO! PERFECT! BATHROOMS! I have never had my own bathroom before, and I feel like this is my opportunity to create a sanctuary where pretty smells abound, the toilet seat will always be down, and I can put my god damn hair straightener wherever I want. These two bathrooms, they smell of peace and freedom. Well, at least mine does, his probably smells like farts and magazines.

Lame. Left. Lab.

A couple of weeks ago my poor poor dog made a quick stop-turn while faithfully retrieving a ball and somehow injured himself. After a couple of days of the lameness not improving, I took him to the vet where they poked, prodded, x-rayed, and to my profound horror, I discovered that dogs sometimes expel poop-like goo from their anal glands when scared of being forced to lie still in the face of giant x-ray machines.

After I wiped my dog's disgusting ass (seriously, Mennonite vet tech, is it somehow against your religion to clean up the mess you scared out of my dog? Because for as much as I paid for that x-ray, you should have cleaned, perfumed, and waxed that sucker Brazilian-style.), I was relieved to find that there were no breaks that they could see. What I needed to do was restrict his movement as much as possible, keep all walks on-leash, and keep those to a minimum. Ha! This vet doesn't understand my dog's major compulsion: he doesn't poop unless you take him somewhere other than our house. You have to walk him or he won't poop. He'll just drop bombs that are enough to fumigate our entire house for a year. Apparently he took the saying "don't shit where you eat" very seriously and very literally.

All in all, it's been a stinky couple of weeks around the house, punctuated by regular pacing. Usually, Cole and I will do at least 3 miles a day (and he is off leash running like he just discovered the wonderfulness of life, so he does more like 7), so we have seen a drastic increase in his restlessness. He's finally starting to get better, so if the weather would just start to cooperate, we could go hiking!

Homeless?!

Being the (sometimes) overly-detail-oriented/compulsively organizing person that I am, I have been anxiously tying my own stomach into knots about finding a place to live for med school. For the past few weeks, I've grown more and more convinced that we are absolutely not going to find a place where we can have our dog, a yard, bike to school, not get shot/stabbed/murdered/kidnapped, or anything else that would make it remotely possible for us to succeed in school. Ok, you caught me, I'm a worrier when it comes to certain things like a secure roof over my head. Yes, I know school doesn't start until August and it's still very newly May, but the threat of homelessness it almost too much to bear. Overly dramatic? Maybe. Anxiety warranted? Maybe.

However, today I found a post on Craigslist that looks like it just might fit our needs. Maybe. If someone doesn't snatch it up first. So we will go take a look at it as soon as possible, and sign on the dotted line if it really looks like it will work. A teensy bit of my worry is replaced by hope and excitement, because the more unknowns I can solve into organized details, the happier we all shall be.

A sigh of relief

So yesterday we decided to take a walk over to Starbucks and sit outside enjoying the sun and some iced coffee. I, of course, got a sunburn, but other than that it was a lovely trip to the coffee shop. On our way back, Travis got a phone call and he started sounding more and more excited as he talked.

I should first mention that earlier last week we talked to the head of admissions at PNWU about what sort of timeline we could expect to hear about T's position on the waitlist. She said that the admissions committee would be meeting on Monday to rank the waitlist, and we would get an email on Tuesday or Wednesday if he was in the top 20.

So back to yesterday's phone call. First of all, we weren't expecting a phone call at all, just an email, and not for another couple of days. So when she called, she asked T if he was sitting down (he wasn't) and told him that there was one seat that they had open that she couldn't tell anyone about until now, and she would like to offer it to him.

So when he got off the phone, I was expecting him to say "I'm number one on the waitlist!" Instead, he said very simply, "I'm in." "Wait," I asked, "in? As in....accepted?" YES! Accepted! They gave the last seat to him over everyone else on the waitlist and over everyone else in the last four interview groups (which each consisted of about 20-25 people). We feasted on grilled chicken cordon bleu, black bean salad, strawberry shortcake, beer, and wine, and rested happily and contentedly on the comfort of knowing that we will both be going to medical school in the fall.

End of an era

For the first time in over three years, I am sick. My three years vomit-free are over. Fin. So ends my reign in this household. My suspicion is that I succumbed to whatever vile creature is inhabiting my intestines (first guess: Salmonella enterica) early this morning because on Saturday at grandma's house, I ate no fewer than eight cookies, and little more of anything else. I really should have taken a vitamin, eaten fewer cookies, and ok, you caught me, less cookie dough.

Despite my misery, I can't help but think of the line in The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight." Because let's be honest, when I felt well enough to stand without quivering, I weighed myself. Take that, Wii Fit! And this also happens two days before I go on My Birthday Shopping Trip with my mom. So today, I'm thwarting this nasty bug and making lemonade! Well, to be more precise, lemon with hot water. Is there anything more soothing to a faulty tummy?

Sadly, I have no one to whine to; no one to baby me. Tod

ay is Travis's interview! I was planning on going with him and running errands while he soliloquized about his wonderfulness, but no way was I going to budge from my curled up, non-nauseated ball on the couch. Don't mess with a good thing. So while I have a dog who comes up every 10 minutes, staring at me with eyes that say "what are you DOING?! We could have been on 5 walks in the time you have been laying here! I. WANT. TO. GO. FOR. A. WALK......WALK! SAY THE WORD! WALK!" Travis is charming, cajoling, explaining, and stomping his way into medical school.

I am so anxious for him and for us. They just need to let him in! That's the dream! Husband and wife dynamic duo kick medical school's medical ASS! And I want someone to make me my lemon water for me. And calm this crazy dog down. And maybe paint my toenails.

Here is the handsome cad:

The divine sweetness of things

With the weight of getting into medical school finally lifted from my shoulders, the world seems a little prettier. I bought some daffodils from Safeway to brighten up the house and they are simply resplendent in their yellowness. The house is now brighter and smells like spring. I am smiling at people again and even offering the occasional bright and shiny "good morning!" Reenergized, I climbed a combined total of 6,000 vertical feet this week, rode a solid 50 miles on the bike, hunted some pheasants, and relaxed my mind enough to genuinely enjoy life.

In my earnest desire to avoid being locked down by a job or any other sort of schedule before ratcheting myself into The Most Gigantic Time Commitment Ever, I developed a pre-medical school bucket list. Yes, that list does include some prep work like re-learn my entire anatomy and physiology book, but to me, that is a barrel full of bananas. Also on the list is knocking off one novel per week, make it to the top of Manastash ridge sub-45 minutes, train for the Whiskey Dick, add one new awesome recipe to my repertoire per week (preferably healthy and quick), and a few others that I've yet to solidify. Essentially, I'm trying to make the most of the precious few months of freedom I have left.

IN!

The months dragged on with a weight that at times seemed unbearable. Highs and lows and waiting...hours and days of waiting. All of this culminating in what seemed like the longest day of my life, March 2nd, 2010. At 4:12 pm in the middle of class where a bizarre woman was talking about environment and cultural politics (uncomfortable yawn), I got the call to end all calls. An offer of acceptance to medical school!! It was practically tortuous to go back to the classroom for another hour and ten minutes and sit still. But when five twenty came around, I leapt onto my bicycle and pedaled furiously to happy hour at Sazon. Two glasses of wine and a plate of flatbread and hummus later, I was still magnanimously (I know that's not the right way to use that word, but it feels like a good word to say here) happy and more than a little tipsy (cheap date).

It still feels surreal, and I'm not sure when it will actually sink in...but meanwhile I've noticed that my forehead and shoulders don't feel quite so tight. I put down my $1,000 deposit (one, sputter, fortieth of the sum I will pay this year, lather rinse and repeat for four years) with a surprising amount of glee, seeing how I really don't like to spend money unless the object will end up on my body or in my stomach. And even then I feel guilty.

Getting accepted feels like my crowning glory. I'm on my way! Next step: actually being a doctor!!

Not the best picture (or angle...), but the obligatory interview day photo!

New Year/Decade

Not just a new year, but a new decade. I suppose that makes some sort of reflection in order. 2009 was a good year, long in the making but, as I suppose is so often the case, fleeting in hindsight. It all started as my first New Year as a wife, which is to say everything was just the same except a second ring on my finger and an overall warm and cozy feeling.

School continued on as always, and the MCAT loomed on the horizon. I registered, then rescheduled according to my fear and procrastination. I went to Las Vegas with my hubby, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, but only after crash dieting and crazy running for the previous month. I thoroughly enjoyed being poolside.

Back in the Burg, I resumed Real Life and my 9 to 5 summer internship at the hospital. At the end of my internship was the dreaded MCAT. While I was taking it, I nervously swallowed a lot. The trouble was, I didn't have much spit, so I swallowed a lot of air. Unable to burp as I am, I spent the majority of the test making gurgly noises in my chest. Perhaps not coincidentally, I slam dunked the whole thing.

Then, it was wedding season extraordinaire. Many gifts, well-wishes, and miles of travel were in order and we delivered all in style. We celebrated our first year of marriage, I hiked Snoqualmie Falls for the first time, and we ended our summer on a warm and fuzzy note.

The pinch of medical school applications along with the re-starting of regular school made for a busy jump-start. I started volunteering at the free clinic where I got a little taste of what practicing medicine is going to be like. I was clobbered by tough science classes, but came out waaaayy on top. The worst part of the last few months of 2009 was all of the waiting for med school application processing. Unfortunately, that trend seems to have bled over into 2010.

I can only hope that this year turns out to be as glorious as 2009. For 2010, (pleasepleasepleaseplease) I hope to be accepted to medical school, then successful in my first term. If some other nice things happen along the way, I'll happily accept them. Meanwhile, I'll focus all my energies on acceptance and success! And of course, the same to everyone else! Peace, happiness, success, and celebration for your new year!