Mona Lisa Smile

I watched one of my favorite movies last night: Mona Lisa Smile.  It had been a few years since I last watched it, and it was almost bittersweet because the last time I watched, I was living a parallel life with the characters.  I was enveloped with female companionship, supported and loved by more than a handful of good friends.  But I no longer live in that warm world of sisterhood.  

This isn't to say that I'm more unhappy, it's quite the opposite.  I'm happier than ever to be married to my best friend and delighted with my life overall; there is just a piece missing that puts me somewhat out of balance.  I miss my old girlfriends, wish they could still be a significant part of my life, and worry that I won't be able to find that special camaraderie again. 

Holidays

Generally, I'm a big fan of holidays.  Any reason to celebrate something, get a day off work/school, give/get a gift, and just break out of the everyday mundane is ok with me.  I love Christmas and love all the commercialization that now comes along with it.  Fourth of July, great.  Easter, sure.  There are just two major holidays that I have a hard time getting on board with: Thanksgiving and Valentines day.

Thanksgiving just really steps on the toes of Christmas.  For some reason everyone makes turkey and green bean casserole, neither of which I really enjoy, and it really is just too much family in one season.  No one talks about what they're thankful for anymore, or really recognizes the whole significance of the day other than the aforementioned foodstuffs.  I think Thanksgiving is on its way out.  If I had the means, I would certainly be skipping out to go to Fiji or the Galapagos for a few day.  Catch ya in a few weeks, multitudes of family.

I've never liked Valentines day.  And not because I was a bitter singleton, really I've had my pick of dates for nearly as long as I can remember for this pink and red heart-filled day.  The expectations are simply too high.  Every girl wants chocolate and a tacky heart necklace accompanied by a squeaky clean man and a nice dinner.  I don't really like chocolate, I hate heart necklaces (especially the gold ones), and I'll take a nice dinner when two-thirds of the population isn't also vying for a reservation at this place or that one.  So this day will pass by like any other, and my wallet will be fuller as my stress will be lesser.

Pet Peeves

Everyone has their own little twinge of irritation at something or another.  Mine is simple and sometimes excruciating.  There are a few words (three big ones come to mind) that an exceedingly loud portion of the population either misuse or have completely made up: "expecially; expresso; and supposably."  

Just typing those words grates against my ears.  Expecially and expresso are simply not words and whoever uses them slips down the mountain of intelligence a few steps.   More than a few if they happen to be a teacher.  

I think that some people believe that the words "supposedly" and "probably" had a torrid affair and created "supposably" which supposedly means the same thing.  They didn't and it doesn't.  

Maybe if people read more books and watched less American Top Survivor they would get it.

A little lift

Last week I wrote from the prompt: What 10 things are you pessimistic about?  It was a very troublesome topic to write on, and this has been somewhat of a rough week, so I decided to vamp on the antithesis.  So (in no particular order) here are ten things...

I'm optimistic about

10. Succeeding

9.  My marriage

8.  Actively growing

7.  Maintaining balance

6.  Living as a positive light to others

5.  Humanity

4.  Adversity

3.  Capacity for change

2.  Spiritual fulfillment

1.  Tomorrow

What things in life sustain you spiritually?

Spirituality is something I can get on board with.  My experience with religion has not been great, and come to think of it, the world's experience with religion has probably been even worse.  But spirituality travels far deeper.  So many things nourish the spirit every day if you stop to acknowledge them.  A beautiful day, a hug, a deep breath, running, music (both listened to and played), sex, a fresh cookie.  

For me, skiing is a meaningful experience that leaves me more invigorated than the soundest night's sleep.  All of my senses are heightened.  My minimally exposed skin tingles and stings with the cold air.  The snow, trees, and mountains are all serenely and perfectly elegant, and while I am intensely focused on the nuances of the trails: the dips, the crests, the textures, the best path; my entire body flexes and responds in perfect concert with the track of my eyes.  (Usually.)  The speed is thrilling and the delicacy of floating on powder is soothing.  It is zen wrapped up in a mountain and if I could I would be there every day; a junkie for the high of physical, mental, and spiritual acuity amidst freezing tranquility.

Ten Things...

I'm Pessimistic About

(in no particular order)

10. World Peace

9.  Religion

8.  My father

7.  Honesty in Landlords

6.  Pessimism

5.  Public Education

4.  Overuse of Antidepressants

3.  Morbid Obesity in America

2.  Unwieldy Government

1.  Losing Weight

That was a tough list for me to write.  In general, I tend to look on the sunny side of things; an optimist by nature.  Winston Churchill once said: "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."  What a truth.  You're only as defeated as you're willing to defeat yourself.  

 I found myself to be the most pessimistic about issues beyond my very limited grasp of control.  As a general rule, I shrug off the things that I can't control, but there are some issues (like other people and their ill-considered misdeeds) that give your thoughts a second twinge and seduce you into languishing and brooding.

Then there are the personal pessimisms.  The things that you do have control over, but don't exercise that control.  These aren't seductive whispers, these are the lugubrious raspings of Self-Defeat Personified.  The ones you don't want to acknowledge, but inevitably and inexorably face with an averted glance at the end of a hard day.  It could be a sneaked cig, an extra two (or eight) cookies, a missed workout and then another and another missed workout, or an addiction that just can't be broken no matter how dangerous it is.  These are the slippery, tricky issues that Optimism can't seem to get a solid grasp around.  While we'd like to have them chained and gagged somewhere farther than the back of our minds, there they lurk, waiting to slither out in a time of weakness.  All I can do is add more positive thinking out of my salt shaker of optimism and have high hopes for tomorrow.

Back away from the milk.

Apparently, milk causes osteoporosis and cancer now.  Really?  Really.  See www.milksucks.com if you don't believe me.  Apart from the neutral name and even more neutral sponsor (cough...PETA), they have damning evidence that this is, in fact, true: the countries that drink the most milk have more incidences of osteoporosis than those who drink very little milk.  The top milk-imbibers: Finland, Sweeden, America, Canada, and others.  The low milk-drinkers?  Ghana, the Congo, Rwanda.  Huh.  It must be milk that is causing this age-related disease, not age!  The average lifespan of a Swede is around 72 years, while the average lifespan of a Rwandan is around 40 years.  Milk is clearly the culprit.

Drink up.

Dark house

Dark house, by which once more I stand

Here in the long unlovely street,

Doors, where my heart was used to beat

So quickly, waiting for a hand,

A hand that can be clasped no more--

Behold me, for I cannot sleep,

And like a guilty thing creep

At earliest morning to the door.

He is not here; but far away

The noise of life begins again,

And ghastly thro' the drizzling rain

On the bald street breaks the blank day.

-Lord Tennyson

My first thought is that my lackluster cousin and his even less lustrous wife are naming their child Tennyson, assuredly with no thought to precision meter, delicate assonance, alliteration, and other literary nuances, or even to a bleak future of inevitable beatings from schoolmates.   Will they call him Tenny for short?  Poor child.  Still just a fetus and already emasculated.

To the poem, though.  For me, suffering a loss yields a suffocating quiet.  The world is no longer colors and textures splashing and singing.  It is a muted scale of gray blurred around the edges; expressionless and blank, like Grief drank the feeling out the day and left only drops of numbness.  

I am functional, deliberate, effective.  I watch and hear others feel freely, but I cannot.  I'm stuck in a world of empty and fill it, and fill it, and fill it until there is nothing left to fill with.  And then it's real.  The richness of emotion that surges intensely and spirals forward is a savory, painful island in the middle of the gray, gray ocean where I was lost, forgetting how to feel.

Suffering never feels so sacred as that relieving moment when it erupts out of emotional paralysis.

Number one

Ok, I'm doing it.  I've twiddled the idea in the back of my mind for a solid month now, and I'm ready to commit to the first plunge.  I'm giving blogging another shot.  I may have less than regular posting habits, but it's a start.  Livejournal has a prompting community and I'll probably use that to create a writing habit, at least at first.  I used to use livejournal, but blogger is set up much more intuitively.  I may cross back over; we'll have to see.  So prompt number one is this photo:

To find joy in the mundane and everyday is to know how to live in happiness.  It's not easy to do, but it's worth every effort.  Susan (we'll say the lovely leaping lady is named Susan) probably knows many of the secrets of life: vibrantly colored underwear give you uncannily super-hero-like abilities; fears are opportunities for growth; and sometimes all you need is a broom (guitar) or a loofah (microphone) to put the world right again.  I know those to be solemnly truthful facts, all of which involve shaking loose your inhibitions and embracing what is personally meaningful.

Emerson once said, "Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."  

If today didn't work out so well, there is always tomorrow.